​These jeans have a front-to-back zipper

What started off in the 19th century as work wear, particularly for cowboys and miners, has today turned into a multi-billion-dollar industry. 

I’m talking about jeans, which used to be blue. 

Harper’s Bizarre has called the recent (and endless) demin incarnations ‘the great jeans apocalypse”.

Not too long ago, we saw $425 jeans covered in fake mud. And don’t forget the pair that comes with clear plastic knee panels so you can…I don’t know what you can do with those.

But they are no less ridiculous to me, who has trouble purchasing denim with even a hint of pre-fabricated fading, than the jeans I see every day on the street and at work that look like a Saber-toothed cat got a hold of them. 


My demin vibe runs more "Shawshank Redpemption" and less "Look at the money I spent on these jeans with rips and holes in them."


But whatever because "the latest trend in denim is for a zip that runs down the front, underneath and up to join the waistband at the back – splitting the trousers in two,” the Daily Mail reports. “French fashion brand Vetements has worked with Levi’s to create a high-end version that costs £1,295 [that is $2,137 CAD], and the idea has begun filtering down to the high street.”


With one simple zip, wearers of these jeans, which also come in a cheaper version so don't worry about that, can bare anything they want between their belly buttons and their butts and I can’t even. 

Neither can the Internet

Since the ‘70s, jeans have been the bread and butter for several Saturday Night Live parodies. There were Jewess jeans (“No one has to be Jewish to wear Jewess,” Gilda Radner said, “But it wouldn’t hurt,) Open Fly jeans, Bad Idea jeans (“Normally I wear protection, but then I thought, 'When am I gonna make it back to Haiti?’”) Balls Out jeans, Calvin Klein Jeans “for girls you hate,” and, my favourite, 1991’s 3-Legged jeans. 


I can’t find a video that isn’t geo-blocked. But basically, “a group of hip youths (Tim Meadows, David Spade, Chris Rock, Victoria Jackson, Adam Sandler, and Ellen Cleghorne) dance, skateboard, smoke and play basketball in their Leevi's 3 Legged Jeans.” 

“Hey, they’re not any dumber than acid-washed!” Meadows says.

And don’t forget about Mom jeans.


Or So Fine jeans, featured in a 1981 film by the same name starring Ryan O’Neal.

Maybe it’s fitting that in an age when a failed casino mogul who franchised his name, ran for president of the U.S.A. with zero political experience while demanding the imprisonment of his opponent, was endorsed by the KKK, and still won that parody has become our jean reality. 


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